Things I Should Already Know, Vol. 1

Do you ever get that feeling that maybe that reading the “1001 Things Everyone Should Know” book from the Scholastic Book Fair shouldn’t have been the last life lesson you ever retained?

Oh. Yeah. Me neither. Psh. What.

Every day I come across things I think “wow, yeah, that’s something I should already know. Why don’t I know that already? Thanks SOCIETY. Thanks AMERICA. Thanks BRAIN, you useless organ…” Generally, I forget about them shortly after and that’s the end of my intellectual crisis, but everyyyyy now and then I write them down in a vain attempt to pretend I knew these things from birth. I know, I’m a gentleman AND a scholar.

But for all of you NON scholars out there who DIDN’T know this stuff until, I dunno, May 2015 or something, *cough n00bs cough*, here’s some of the things I learned… ahem, mean uhh rediscovered of course… in the month of May. Cheers.

May 2015 Things I Learned:

No rest for the wetted. (Not going to apologize for this terrible title. Just not gonna do it.)

It’s a common myth that your period stops flowing when you’re underwater. I saw it first in this video and thought it sounded completely wrongo batshit so I did a little research… and lo and behold, wrongo batshit it is. This is complete hooey ballloey mcphooey (wrong). It may have started because people expect a woman on her period to be surrounded by a massive seething pool of blood when in the water, a la Jaws.  Buuuut since the flow of blood during menstruation is really slow, (and is actually just the blood vessels that are detached when the mucous layer of the vagina sheds during menstruation instead of like, an open wound or something)… The pool/shower doesn’t end up looking like a B-movie crime scene. No, Aunt Flo still flows. and flows. And flows. Cue happy period commercial and sounds of wimpy men puking in the background. Yay menses!

The French are Glad to Die for Love, but Chocolate is Forever.

When your chocolate gets that weird powdery brown or whitish coating? That’s called Fat Bloom, and it’s totally safe to eat. (And really, it’s going to take wayyyyyy more than that to stop me…) Fat bloom can happen in many different ways, including: warm storage conditions, poorly prepared chocolate, and cocoa butter separating from the other ingredients and rising to the surface. So yes, that old halloween candy is perfectly ok to eat for lunch. and dinner. and stuff-your-feelings-down-the-hatch o’clock.

That’s it for May. I think I’ll probably do another one of these next month and see how it goes! I know, it looks like I didn’t learn a lot this month. But I did read a lot, so perhaps my lessons came from a less direct place. Ahhh yes, that’s a good pretentious note to end on.

W

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