I’ve been gone forever WHATEVER LOOK: CHEESE OLIVES.

http://www.thekitchn.com/party-appetizer-recipe-cheddar-olives-47009

Guys. GUYS. This is literally the most amazing recipe I’ve ever made. I know, it’s not super exciting. But it’s SO GOOD. Do you like olives? Do you like salty things? GIRLS. FUCKING MERRY CHRISTMAS. This recipe will blow your fucking pants off.

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The first time I made it, specifically by the recipe, it was just ok. So here are the adjustments I made:

1) Cayenne is hard to measure. Instead, I added Sriracha to the mix. Basically just about as much as I thought “whoops, that may be too much”, which was about 1.5 tablespoons. I could have added much, much more. Because there are no harmful raw ingredients in the dough, I definitely suggest taste testing.  Tabasco or other hot sauces are also totally cool– anything that will pair well with olives and bread/ the basic flavor of “salt.”

2) The cheese flavor is not crazy. It’s really not. It really bakes into the dough, which gives it a full, savory flavor, but isn’t particular “cheesy,” at least to me. The saltiness/ olivey-ness of it definitely overpowers the cheese.

3) I add a little salt to the dough. I knowwww, dear god weatherly, why? Just the barest amount, like two or three shakes of the shaker. This is because I have a real salt addiction that I will probably pay for with a heart attack around the age of 30. It is what it is. But they do taste magical.

4) I make mine in a toaster oven–  because I live in South Korea in a school-funded apartment and therefore don’t have a real oven. (I JUST got a pan for my toaster oven– which was donated by a friend– today, so I’m really pumped.) I just cooked them on the highest setting (250 degrees for me, I assumed Fahrenheit at the time of cooking… but it’s only just occurring to me at this moment as I type this that it’s a Korean-made oven and therefore actually Celsius. America has prepared me so badly for living abroad it’s actually insulting.)

5) Make a dipping sauce/ enjyo with wine. This is a super salty recipe, even without my heart-melting salt additions (it isn’t that much, I swear), so I suggest either adding a light, fresh dipping sauce (something with dill or like… I dunno… sour cream or something) come to mind. Sour cream is not light. I come from the South (of the United States), my culinary tastes are obviously skewed towards causing heart failure at the earliest possible age. Either that, or do as I do: embrace the saltiness, skip an actual meal, and enjoy wine mixed with cola to balance it out.

7) Completely unrelated but sort of related DRINK note: if you’ve left your wine a day or two, like me, without a cork and it has gone a bit sour: pour in some cola. Not a ton, Ms. Eager McBeaverton, we’re not trying to fund the Coca Cola Corporation here, just a little bit (I’d say, for every (regular mug-sized) glass of shit wine, pour in a good inch of cola. It cuts the sourness, it combats that icky ‘oh shit my wine has gone bad feeling’ and who knows, maybe the caffeine will give you some sort of boost so you can drink even more wine! Probably not. But one can hope.

And that’s all folks! Yep, that’s my idea of a recipe post– take an unhealthy recipe I didn’t make up and make it just that much more unhealthy, plus eat it for dinner! You’ve been a great audience. Tip your waiters.

Man, I’m kind of tipsy with this wine-coke. Someone feed me these cheese olives while I watch Pretty Little Liars and try to remember where exactly I stopped caring who A was.

W

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